alle_in_ashe

October 1st

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 12:08:31 GMT

I woke this morning to miss Maggot laying in her crib calling out "Dada dada dada!" Ch couldn't have left for work more than 5 mins before i woke up. I found it very endearing and wished i had my cellphone to sneakily call him and let him listen in. However, she switched over to "Mama mama mama!" before long. I grinned a big sleepy grin listening to her.

The rennovations are finally coming along. The walls are all up now just waiting for the sheetrock to be nailed up and finished. Sr built the "Tray" yesterday for the ceiling in the Grand's bedroom. It looks nice. Gpa only needs to finish wiring the bathroom out there, then put in the plumbing for the up-flush tolit. I'm pray that thing actually works.
Also, the crew finally showed up this past monday to start building gpa's shed. Shed is really an understatement of what the building is. It has more squarefootage than the home Ch and I used to live in. It has nearly the squarefootage of the home we all currently live in. It's a huge shed. The skeleton of it is up and it's waiting for concrete (to be poured this following monday) and walls, roofing, and instilation. Gpa also has to get the plumbing for the tolit he's putting in down there done before monday.
We watch that show Adoption Diaries and i decided to contact that Facility IAC (Independant Adoption Center) to see what they've got to offer. After browsing through the site, i ended up requesting a packet of info. While telling Ch about this last night ( i actually was afraid he'd be annoyed with me for doing smething adoption-y because ....well, he usually is) he got all "Youknow, that guy at that place i shop? we were talkin about kids, and he's tellin me about his daughters and he mentioned that his youngest is 6 and they adopted her from China two years back. After i left, i was thinking, youknow i need to talk to him and see if he can answer a few questions that seem to keep cropping up with us. I wish i had of thought of it while we were talking but it hit me in the car."
and i was pleasently shocked. Ch is showing a real personal interest in adoption. Also, having another Manfolk who has been through the process that he can gather info from will be an absolute WINNER in helping us both out with this. It doesn't matter how many testimonials i read, or what info i gather from online, it's always so impersonal. To hear the adoption story from someone who lives close to us and lives a similar lifestyle will be the best thing yet. Especially the Father's perspective. I find that absolutely valuable.
Ch did mention that the man refered to his youngest daughter as "Hell on Wheels." lol and he used that Look. The one where the term might not have been used to describe his kid in a cute manner but more in a truthful manner.

S is still set to move after Christmas holidays. We're planning to turn his room into Maggot's. She'll be a year old by then and it'll be time for her to sleep in a room without us. How convenient that we'll suddenly have one. I'm turely not sure how our homestudy process will go seeing that we won't have a "spare" bedroom. Whatever child (however that child comes to us, be it through adoption or fostering) will have to be in our room or share with Maggot depending on the child's age. Ch and i have already discussed that we will not take any child much older than Maggot. Ch is comfortable with a 3 to 6 month older than Maggot, if one if offered. I prefer to keep the child atleast 6 months younger. I'd rather not do the artifical twinning with Maggot, eventhough i'm fairly sure she'd enjoy the company. IF the child is a straight from the hospital infant, the child will probably spend a few months in Our room. If the child is closer to Maggot's age, we can go ahead and just set up another crib in that room.
I'm getting ahead of myself. The issue though is a true concern. Can we pass a homestudy with our living arangements after Christmas? I guess we just have to wait and see. It's useless to try and call and ask anyone. DHR truely avoids me like the plague, especially after what happened with B this last summer.
(We tried to regain contact with her at her current placement. That was thwarted due to S living with us. It didn't matter that he was at his mom's for the summer. It had me so angry. Either way, we gave up contact with her. I didn't want to put her through that fight just to be able to visit with her once a month. So yeah. The workers got annoyed with me calling and harrassing them about it. Plus it drug up everything with S with them again. ugh ugh.)
We'll see. The sooner we can get started on this, the better. On the IAC site it stated that it averaves 6 to 8 months for a match after the homestudy is completed with takes about 3 months. That's nearly a year just to be matched and then you'll need to wait untill the child is born.
Let's go!
Maggot's awake again. For the day! Yaye!

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 14:27:14 GMT

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is alle_in_ashe@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat!

Writer's Block: Sleep on it

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:48:12 GMT

Did you ever say anything to someone in anger that you lived to regret? Did you apologize? If so, did it bring you closer?

View 718 Answers

I've said a fair few things in anger to a handful of people where later i regret what i've said.

We had a foster child, once, one child that i loved with my entire heart. He was just under 2 when he was placed with us and i fell head over heels for him before his second birthday.His mother and i did not get along. It seemed that the smallest thing could set either of us off. I felt like i was constantly having to work against her to protect the child. She felt like she was having to work against me to maintain his love. It wasn't the best of circumstances. I know now that i should have handled my relationship with her better.

However, love and that strong mothering instinct can make us women do things that make no sense.

The child and i spent almost every moment together, save for the hour one day a week that he spent with his mother, and i cherished him. I spent that hour perched on the edge of my chair waiting impatiently for him to be returned to me.

When he was first placed, he had no emotional attachments to any adult. Especially not his mother. He never showed any particular emotion towards her. Never excited, or happy, or sad, or angry. Just general " oh, it's you." when he saw her and a readiness to leave without fanfair when it was time to go. He seldom gave hugs and never gave kisses.

Over the months i taught that child how to love, how to bond, how to trust. As he bonded with me i would encourage him to show excitement, happiness, anger, sadness, joy. I encouraged him to express his emotions and share them with me. I encouraged him to hug and cuddle (which was still very rare even with encouragement) and i encouraged him to be excited to see other people. We started with My parents. It got to where he would be so excited to see them when we came to visit that he would run to them and hug them! And then if we left him here, at pick up time he would run to us and hug us! It was amazing to see the changes coming over that child.
We got to a point where the Visits with Mommy were scheduled and it was easy for me to start building him up for the visit with her. I would talk Mommy up like she was some kind of super fun babysitter. "You and Mommy will play today! you will play outside! Mommy wants to see you! She is happy to see you! I am happy you and Mommy get to play! I love seeing Mommy play with you! Mommy loves getting your hugs!" and just anything i could say to get him excited to see her. It tooks almost 6 months before he was excited to see his mother. Six months before he would break out a huge smile upon seeing her and run to give her a hug. It took time and work and effort but I finally got him excited about his mom. I feel like i laid down the foundation of their relationship just by getting him to be excited about his mother. I could have left him indifferent to her and I could have even encouraged it but instead i tried to help him build a healthy happiness about his mom.

One day, after a Mommy visit, He exhibited a behaviour i had never seen before... With her, with me or with my parents. He had an absolute tantrum when the visit was over. He cried and screamed the entire ride home. Once we got home i put him in time out to finish his fit and he continued to cry and scream for almost an hour.
I finally went in to check on him and this child whom i had nurtured into a loving caring child tells me so angrily "I hate you, i want my mommy." that it totally caught me off guard. My anger and resentment swelled up and erupted with an equally hateful "I hate you too!" where i stormed out of the room and slammed the door.

I cried in my room. I could still hear him crying in his room. This child wasn't even 3 yet. Once i regained my composure, I went back into the room and found him lying on his bed sobbing, hiccupping, and shuddering. I felt aweful. His outburst had nothing to do with me. He didn't hate me. He hated having to leave his Mommy. right at that moment he was missing her in a way he never had before and instead of understanding him and comforting him I had yelled at him and left him alone. I went to him and layed down in his toddler bed beside him. I snuggled up to him and tried to console him as he cried. I tried to calm him as best i could. I apologized for being mean. I told him i knew he was upset about leaving Mommy. I told him it was okay to be angry. I told him i would always love him. I told him we all say mean things sometimes but that doesn't make it alright. I apologized over and over again. I told him "I love you" over and over again. He finally calmed down and ended up falling asleep. I layed with him watching him sleep. Watching his face gradually relax untill his eyes started darting under their lids. I touched his hair and his eye lids. I touched his lips and his little ears. I knew he would forgive me and wake up fresh like nothing had happened.

And i loved him even more.

It broke my heart a million times over when he moved back with his Mommy.

she's trying to walk.

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 19:41:14 GMT

our daughter. she's trying to walk.

i'm making this post primarily just to have something more updated sitting as the first post.
however, i have nothing to say here.

i use livejournal mostly to steal icons from talented artist/ other thieves.

feel the love.
<3

Random

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 13:06:45 GMT

Today is my husband's birthday.
he's 34 today.
*sigh*

i have no idea what he has planned.

I think i'm going to invite someone over to play DDR with me.
because i want to.
right now heh.

<3

jekyll!!!!

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 11:10:57 GMT

i love! love love love! jekyll!
rawr!!
omfg,
i'd let Hyde ravage me.

what is it that i find so attractive about insane men with blood dripping down their fronts?
mmmm.
dexter.
hyde.
i'm sensing a pattern.
a yummy pattern...

i am made of so much awesome....

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 11:42:11 GMT

i'm going to clean my nephew's new home tonight.
i spent all of this last night (since i was off work) cleaning my house, and i'll clean his house tonight. i'm excited. I'm proud of him for having his own place. it's totally...great. heh
and his little house isn't anything to be ashamed of either. it's an adorable little house and the kitchen is considerably bigger than mine.
damnit.
plus: i'm taking my bottle of Sake over to help ..."clean".
lol

i think i think too much.

I was listening to the Rocky Horror Picture Show song, Janet Damnit, and got to thinking about the lyric "A mental mind fuck could be nice!"
and was like..."yeah, as opposed to a physical mind fuck, which would probably hurt. alot."
heh
anyway,
that's life.

i've started reading A Clockwork Orange again too.
i effin love this book. although the tremendous amount of slang does confuse me sometimes. *shrugs*
after i get about halfway through, though, usually my brain is so used to processing the strange slang terms he uses that i actually intergrate them into my daily language. it's a bit weird walking about talking all "Well, i viddied this horrorshow ptista slooshying a malenky bit of music as i clapped my rookers, oh my brothers."
not exactly like that, but sometimes the words work their way into daily use. heh.
unexpectedly.

yeah.

my mom, niece, and i were discussing what exactly happened to Ariana (dumbledore's sister) for her to go so batty. it actually became a fairly heated debate for a bit. since JKR didn't specifically say.. youknow, it leaves a lot to the imagination. anyway, yeah. it was good.

gah, i'm so excited about tonight. it's been forever since i've hung out with this nephew. i love him verry much hehehe.
plus, my niece's boyfriend lives with this nephew and he plays guitar (which didn't really impress me much) untill he breaks it out when i was over there yesterday and just falls into a few bars of "sweet dreams" lol
i broke out in goosebumps. it was a religious moment.
i swear.

hehe
yeah, so.
that's it.
hehe
<3

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 02:03:28 GMT

Currently Reading
Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey
By Chuck Palahniuk
see related

so yeah.

life goes on.

work.

more work.

very sweet guys at work. one of which knows my name. lol

started another book. because i'm bored. and not very social.

"Rant" by Chuck Palahnuik. did i spell that right? i usually just call him chuck. i have no idea how to pronounce that last name.

i'm annoyed.

just generally.

i'm annoyed with the new guy at work.

i'm annoyed with the kids here at home.

i'm annoyed with ch.

*sigh*

is this the Deathly Hallows drag? youknow, the drag that happens after you get off an awesome rollercoaster where your heart kinda settles in your stomach for a few beats and you feel like life is over.... that's the afterexcitement drag.

~~supprisingly, there's alot about that drag in this book.~~

actually it spends more time talking about "the pulse", which would be the moment of peak excitement where everything slows and blanks. which is similar to the drag.

is it wrong that i can't stand when either one of the boys touches me? a simple hug or kiss on the forehead has me pulling away in disgust and only relenting just to not hurt their feelings... but the moment they walk away i wipe it off all like "wtf.." ugh.

anyway.

life continues.

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 15:06:01 GMT

will you bite the hand that feeds you?
will you stay down on your knees?

rawr.

bedtime.
=)

Done with Deathly Hallows

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 10:52:32 GMT

i'm finished.

i had my moments where i was doubtful as to weither or not JKR would be able to do this ever so absolute ending justice, especially whilst reading the ever stretching first 20 chapters of DH. but as always, things picked up after chapter 22 and a rolling steamengine overpowered me.

i spent some time crying.

really crying.

face burried sobbing.

but i feel that everything was handled well, even if i'm still a bit iffy about some points.

i <3.

Prolonging my Deathly Hallows virginity a bit longer...

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 06:49:27 GMT

i just wanted to say that i love my sarah, my jacob, my sons, and my sarah's leaf.

i love harry potter and the whole fandom, and the way it has allowed me to totallly nerd out and be just fine with that.

i love that i can talk to complete strangers, and make fast friends with them just because we happen to be excited about the same thing.

i love the way a fresh from the box book smells.

i love that i'm going to sit on the couch for the next five mins just holding the book in my lap and appreciating it before i embark upon the adventure it contains.

i love that my husband is fine with me behaving this way and allows it.

most of all, right now, i love myself. i'm completely fine with who i am right at this moment.

i wont be on any sites (besides my email) again untill i'm finished. which may be in the morning, or after the weekend, or sometime next week.... depending on how long i have to take to let what i'm reading totally soak in. I may read the book twice before i come back. i haven't decided yet.

<3
alle

Seventeen Hours and counting....

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 11:04:04 GMT

yep. by this time tomorrow morning i'll be balls deep in the last Harry Potter book.

a decade worth of reading, immersion, speculation, plotting, planning, fanfic-ing, debating, masterbating, dreaming, and continually questioning all comes to a brutal and definitive end.

fuck.

btw: Ch decided that our sex life was "kinda ho-hum." so he has spent the last 3 days teasing and tittilating me in every way he can devise. It's been....verry nice. and since i'm kinda on edge and easily exciteable anyway lately... yeah. verrrrry good. hehehe

i'm liking it.

also:
i'm finally taking down all the pictures (from the walls) of the foster kids who'd stayed in our home. all of them. Ch says it's been time for a long while now. i think i'm finally ready to do it though. it's going to be hard to take all the photo's of Lil C out of the frames and into an album.

it's time to move on though.

and while i'm at it:
sarah came over yesterday! we painted. it was alot of fun actually hehehe. The boys painted with us. I think S had more fun with it than even sarah and i had. Afterwards, Sarah's bf Leaf shows up and we played DDR for a few hours. hehehe. again- lots of fun. =)

i love my sarah.
except i wanted to kick her once because she just tossed out a spoiler. i was kinda let down that she would do that to me, knowing how much effort i was putting in to remain as spoiler free as i could. ah well. i'll live.

<3
alle

oh slashfic,

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 05:53:51 GMT

how do i love thee?
shall i count the ways?

1. h/d
2. S/h,d,LV,me..anyone basically.
lol

gah. i'm an idiot.

2 days!

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 13:32:54 GMT

yeah!
friday night is the big event. I'll be camped out at the local books a million with all the other nerds, attending the silly parties and such with all my little family because .... i'm just that awesome.
i've actually owned this book since feb. heh.
i probably had paid for this book before it was even printed.
that's so wild to think about.

to say i'm so uber excited is to make the grosses understatement of the century.

it is all SO good.

but i am so tired just now.
work last night was alright, but my mind was racing and i kept having these conversations inside my head with various people which would end up as an argument that i always lost. it sucked. i can't win a fight when i'm the only one involved, damn.

i read a poem today. one of the japanese ones. i thought i'd share:

Hiku's are easy.
but they dont always make sense.
refridgerator.

hehehe

at work last night, a customer had a little girl in her buggy that had this adorable laugh, and she reminded me of lil C so much. When i asked the mother how old she is, the mom replied "oh she'll be 4 next week. it's really a wonder."
and i realised that Lil C will be 4 next week too.
i really miss him.
<3

oh, bloody fucking hell.

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 14:05:25 GMT

great.
just great.

!

Voldy

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 13:35:30 GMT

yeah.
So i said (in my other journal) once that watching GoF had throughly convinced me that Voldamort just gives me the creepy hibbiejibbies. I think i said something like " I usually go for the bad guy... but jesus christ, Not This Time!"

here's where i eat those words.
I would have never ever though Voldamort, the most evil wizzard to ever not-be-named is a-freakin-dorable in a suit. Actually i think through his ....body movements? is that the right phrase?... i get this weird sense of dejavu and a mental image of marilyn manson springs to mind. one from years back, like in the Tainted Love video. Maybe that's where its from anyway, he's in a suit in that video isn't he? and the tic...
omfg.
the tic totally got me. i had creamless pants untill that first tic (in the dream, i think).

and snape!
omg, i'm such a little fangirl.
i'm taking myself to bed.
i so hope i have harry potter dreams.

if not, i want Snape/ this new sexy Voldy dreams.
lol
*fucking nerd*
alle

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 14:03:00 GMT

waaaaa!!!!!
we're going to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix tomorrow!
yaye!
probably the 5pm showing.

yaye!

i let the cute guy at work borrow two books, as well.
The story of B, and Ishmael. both by Daniel Quinn.

We got to conversating somehow the night before last about religion.

well, truthfully.

he was conversating. i have that affect on men. they all start spilling their innermost stuff to me at some point. if i'm quiet long enough- they just start talking. heh. not bragging.. just...it seems to be that way. anyway, so he was chattering away and gets off on religion, and i kinda nod nicely. then at one point he says "what do YOU think?" all imploringly.

so i told him that i really rather liked the theory expressed in the books.

and he immediently asks to borrow them. lol

*nerd*

man, last night i worked with the Old Man. During break he started doing the whole telling me everything thing. I found out that for the last 30 years of his life, he's only dated strippers.
which might explain why he's 60 and his current gf is 30. lol

i snickered internally. The old guy must be fuckin HUNG cuz i know he aint rich working part time at wal mart. hehehe

anyway.

off to bed.

LMAO!!! (Spoilers for OotP,)

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 05:46:16 GMT

(but seriously if this is a spoiler you need to crawl out from under that rock.)

i HAD to share!!!!

Kreacher: Cake or death?
Tonks: Uh, cake please.
Kreacher: *Grumbles* Very well, here you go. *To Harry* Cake or death?
Harry: Uh, cake for me too, please.
Kreacher: Alright, cake for you too. *To himself* We're gonna run out of cake at this rate... *To Sirius* You! Cake or death?
Sirius: Uh, death please. NONONO! I mean cake, sorry, cake.
Kreacher: *Very delighted* Aha! You said 'death' first, death first!
Sirius: Well, I meant cake!
Kreacher: Oh, alright. You're gonna die later on anyways...
-Mel

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! OMFG HAHAHAHAHA!
i've just damn near wet myself!! lol!

Found on Mugglenet.com.

Other hilarity inducing things i had to share:

omfg! lmao! Moaning Myrtle! hahaha

hehehehehe

and lastly

heheheheheheheehhe

snape rape.

oh it's a beauty.

i'm in a giggly good mood.!

=)
<3

Dont want you back, cuz you're no good for me. I know.

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 13:45:45 GMT

"Forgive my honesty, but you gotta go."
This is the only backstreet boys' song that i like.
I think i like it because i first heard it at girlscout camp when i was ...god, probably 13. I had this awesomely teenaged crush on the camp arts counselor (whom, i later found out, was a flamming fag. heh) too bad, he was absolutely beautiful.
the night i heard this song was also the night i first heard Greenday. seriously.

mmm good ol' times.

at work last night, one of the girls there was just bound and determined to drag me into some kind of religious debate.

i didn't... but jesus, i could have.

i really dont wanna go making enemies during my first month, heh.
plus,
she's super hot. hehe

mmm,
yup.

i can't believe this year will be over in a measly 5 and a half months.
crazy.

in two weeks it'll be lil C's 4th birthday. it'll also have been a year sincewe last saw him.

in september it'll have been a year since shit hit the fan.

ugh.
<3

More Harry Potter Bullshit, because i'm just that exciting.

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 05:36:58 GMT

The topic came up recently "What is the saddest book you've read?"
and immediently i knew my answer:

Ham on Rye by Chuck Bukowski. This book tossed me into a depth of depression and self assessment that i had never looked into on my own. It took me weeks...weeks, i say, to fully digest the story after i'd finished reading it. I'm still caught sometimes with pieces of plot that jump into my mind unwanted. ("They raped our mothers." From the ROTC chapter, mostly.)

I havent been able to bring myself to read another Buk book.

and i'm going to go ahead and be the nerd that says it:
The Harry Potter series is right up in there with the best of the books that are able to make me laugh, cry and seeth with anger all within 5 chapters.
ofcourse, i'm the kind of reader that you may find sitting alone in a shop, fully engaged in a book to the point that i'm mouthing the spoken parts and muttering along with the plot...as if the book really cares about my opinion...or the people at the table beside me, as it were. its almost obscene. i've gotten to the point that i've been so involved in a plot that just the sound of a turning page will give me theaterical shivers of excitement. *sigh*

i'm a fucking nerd.

Dont even get me started on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Seriously...
dont.

<3

One of the things i really shouldn't be worried about...

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 13:58:33 GMT

In all my excitement for the last Harry Potter book, i restarted the series.
this isn't a big deal.
i've read though the whole set each time a new book came out, plus a few times inbetween. No biggie, right?

this time, i'm having a fucking time getting through them.
It took me an entire month to read PoA.
i'm only just now halfway through GoF, with only 21 days left till Dealthy Hollows drops.
this is insane.
i'd love to just take my time and read them all at my leisure but i know that within a week of the release of the last book they'll be freaking SPOILERS all over the news. I'd know how the book ended before the first 5 mins of the 6 oclock morning news the day after it's release.

stupid reporters.

i want to listen to some ICP.

oh, i'm going to bed. this is pointless.
<3

A few months back...

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 08:30:21 GMT

probably ...around feb, I tossed out every piece of prose, poetry and mindless dribble i'd ever written.

Everything from the first poem i'd had published when i was 14 to the absolutely horrific fanfic i'd driven myself into and just could not find any way out. Everything. the entire box was tossed. I had some really nice ones. A good handfull of poems reallllly had me debating if i really wanted to toss em. Two short stories had me sitting contemplating for a long while. In the end though everything went. I even went through and started deleting off disks and random folders from the computer.

purging my past, i suppose.

<3

perpetual inventory.

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 08:26:06 GMT

life happens.

time passes.

i miss my friends.

<3