•  I woke this morning to miss Maggot laying in her crib calling out "Dada dada dada!" Ch couldn't have left for work more than 5 mins before i woke up. I found it very endearing and wished i had my cellphone to sneakily call him and let him listen in. However, she switched over to "Mama mama mama!" before long. I grinned a big sleepy grin listening to her.
  
  The rennovations are finally coming along. The walls are all up now just waiting for the sheetrock to be nailed up and finished. Sr built the "Tray" yesterday for the ceiling in the Grand's bedroom. It looks nice. Gpa only needs to finish wiring the bathroom out there, then put in the plumbing for the up-flush tolit. I'm pray that thing actually works.

  Also, the crew finally showed up this past monday to start building gpa's shed. Shed is really an understatement of what the building is. It has more squarefootage than the home Ch and I used to live in. It has nearly the squarefootage of the home we all currently live in. It's a huge shed. The skeleton of it is up and it's waiting for concrete (to be poured this following monday) and walls, roofing, and instilation. Gpa also has to get the plumbing for the tolit he's putting in down there done before monday.

  We watch that show Adoption Diaries and i decided to contact that Facility IAC (Independant Adoption Center) to see what they've got to offer. After browsing through the site, i ended up requesting a packet of info. While telling Ch about this last night ( i actually was afraid he'd be annoyed with me for doing smething adoption-y because ....well, he usually is) he got all "Youknow, that guy at that place i shop? we were talkin about kids, and he's tellin me about his daughters and he mentioned that his youngest is 6 and they adopted her from China two years back. After i left, i was thinking, youknow i need to talk to him and see if he can answer a few questions that seem to keep cropping up with us. I wish i had of thought of it while we were talking but it hit me in the car."

  and i was pleasently shocked. Ch is showing a real personal interest in adoption.  Also, having another Manfolk who has been through the process that he can gather info from will be an absolute WINNER in helping us both out with this. It doesn't matter how many testimonials i read, or what info i gather from online, it's always so impersonal. To hear the adoption story from someone who lives close to us and lives a similar lifestyle will be the best thing yet. Especially the Father's perspective. I find that absolutely valuable.

  Ch did mention that the man refered to his youngest daughter as "Hell on Wheels." lol and he used that Look. The one where the term might not have been used to describe his kid in a cute manner but more in a truthful manner.

   

  S is still set to move after Christmas holidays. We're planning to turn his room into Maggot's. She'll be a year old by then and it'll be time for her to sleep in a room without us. How convenient that we'll suddenly have one. I'm turely not sure how our homestudy process will go seeing that we won't have a "spare" bedroom. Whatever child (however that child comes to us, be it through adoption or fostering) will have to be in our room or share with Maggot depending on the child's age. Ch and i have already discussed that we will not take any child much older than Maggot. Ch is comfortable with a  3 to 6 month older than Maggot, if one if offered. I prefer to keep the child atleast 6 months younger. I'd rather not do the artifical twinning with Maggot, eventhough i'm fairly sure she'd enjoy the company. IF the child is a straight from the hospital infant, the child will probably spend a few months in Our room. If the child is closer to Maggot's age, we can go ahead and just set up another crib in that room.

  I'm getting ahead of myself. The issue though is a true concern. Can we pass a homestudy with our living arangements after Christmas? I guess we just have to wait and see. It's useless to try and call and ask anyone. DHR truely avoids me like the plague, especially after what happened with B this last summer.

  (We tried to regain contact with her at her current placement. That was thwarted due to S living with us. It didn't matter that he was at his mom's for the summer. It had me so angry. Either way, we gave up contact with her. I didn't want to put her through that fight just to be able to visit with her once a month. So yeah. The workers got annoyed with me calling and harrassing them about it. Plus it drug up everything with S with them again. ugh ugh.)

  We'll see. The sooner we can get started on this, the better. On the IAC site it stated that it averaves 6 to 8 months for a match after the homestudy is completed with takes about 3 months. That's nearly a year just to be matched and then you'll need to wait untill the child is born.

  Let's go!

  Maggot's awake again. For the day! Yaye!

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is alle_in_ashe@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat!

I've said a fair few things in anger to a handful of people where later i regret what i've said.

We had a foster child, once, one child that i loved with my entire heart. He was just under 2 when he was placed with us and i fell head over heels for him before his second birthday.His mother and i did not get along. It seemed that the smallest thing could set either of us off. I felt like i was constantly having to work against her to protect the child. She felt like she was having to work against me to maintain his love. It wasn't the best of circumstances. I know now that i should have handled my relationship with her better.

However, love and that strong mothering instinct can make us women do things that make no sense.

The child and i spent almost every moment together, save for the hour one day a week that he spent with his mother, and i cherished him. I spent that hour perched on the edge of my chair waiting impatiently for him to be returned to me.

When he was first placed, he had no emotional attachments to any adult. Especially not his mother. He never showed any particular emotion towards her. Never excited, or happy, or sad, or angry. Just general " oh, it's you." when he saw her and a readiness to leave without fanfair when it was time to go. He seldom gave hugs and never gave kisses.

Over the months i taught that child how to love, how to bond, how to trust. As he bonded with me i would encourage him to show excitement, happiness, anger, sadness, joy. I encouraged him to express his emotions and share them with me. I encouraged him to hug and cuddle (which was still very rare even with encouragement) and i encouraged him to be excited to see other people. We started with My parents. It got to where he would be so excited to see them when we came to visit that he would run to them and hug them! And then if we left him here, at pick up time he would run to us and hug us! It was amazing to see the changes coming over that child.
We got to a point where the Visits with Mommy were scheduled and it was easy for me to start building him up for the visit with her. I would talk Mommy up like she was some kind of super fun babysitter. "You and Mommy will play today! you will play outside! Mommy wants to see you! She is happy to see you! I am happy you and Mommy get to play! I love seeing Mommy play with you! Mommy loves getting your hugs!" and just anything i could say to get him excited to see her. It tooks almost 6 months before he was excited to see his mother. Six months before he would break out a huge smile upon seeing her and run to give her a hug. It took time and work and effort but I finally got him excited about his mom. I feel like i laid down the foundation of their relationship just by getting him to be excited about his mother. I could have left him indifferent to her and I could have even encouraged it but instead i tried to help him build a healthy happiness about his mom.

One day, after a Mommy visit, He exhibited a behaviour i had never seen before... With her, with me or with my parents. He had an absolute tantrum when the visit was over. He cried and screamed the entire ride home. Once we got home i put him in time out to finish his fit and he continued to cry and scream for almost an hour.
I finally went in to check on him and this child whom i had nurtured into a loving caring child tells me so angrily "I hate you, i want my mommy." that it totally caught me off guard. My anger and resentment swelled up and erupted with an equally hateful "I hate you too!" where i stormed out of the room and slammed the door.

I cried in my room. I could still hear him crying in his room. This child wasn't even 3 yet. Once i regained my composure, I went back into the room and found him lying on his bed sobbing, hiccupping, and shuddering. I felt aweful. His outburst had nothing to do with me. He didn't hate me. He hated having to leave his Mommy. right at that moment he was missing her in a way he never had before and instead of understanding him and comforting him I had yelled at him and left him alone. I went to him and layed down in his toddler bed beside him. I snuggled up to him and tried to console him as he cried. I tried to calm him as best i could. I apologized for being mean. I told him i knew he was upset about leaving Mommy. I told him it was okay to be angry.  I told him i would always love him. I told him we all say mean things sometimes but that doesn't make it alright.  I apologized over and over again. I told him "I love you" over and over again. He finally calmed down and ended up falling asleep. I layed with him watching him sleep. Watching his face gradually relax untill his eyes started darting under their lids. I touched his hair and his eye lids. I touched his lips and his little ears. I knew he would forgive me and wake up fresh like nothing had happened.

And i loved him even more.

It broke my heart a million times over when he moved back with his Mommy.

Tags: anger, impulse, rage, regret, remorse, writer's block

our daughter. she's trying to walk.

i'm making this post primarily just to have something more updated sitting as the first post.
however, i have nothing to say here.

i use livejournal mostly to steal icons from talented artist/ other thieves.

feel the love.
<3

Today is my husband's birthday.
he's 34 today.
*sigh*

i have no idea what he has planned.

I think i'm going to invite someone over to play DDR with me.
because i want to.
right now heh.

<3

Current Mood: bored

i love! love love love! jekyll!
rawr!!
omfg,
i'd let Hyde ravage me.

what is it that i find so attractive about insane men with blood dripping down their fronts?
mmmm.
dexter.
hyde.
i'm sensing a pattern.
a yummy pattern...

Current Mood: weird

i'm going to clean my nephew's new home tonight.
i spent all of this last night (since i was off work) cleaning my house, and i'll clean his house tonight. i'm excited. I'm proud of him for having his own place. it's totally...great. heh
and his little house isn't anything to be ashamed of either. it's an adorable little house and the kitchen is considerably bigger than mine.
damnit.
plus: i'm taking my bottle of Sake over to help ..."clean".
lol

i think i think too much.

I was listening to the Rocky Horror Picture Show song, Janet Damnit, and got to thinking about the lyric "A mental mind fuck could be nice!"
and was like..."yeah, as opposed to a physical mind fuck, which would probably hurt. alot."
heh
anyway,
that's life.

i've started reading A Clockwork Orange again too.
i effin love this book. although the tremendous amount of slang does confuse me sometimes. *shrugs*
after i get about halfway through, though, usually my brain is so used to processing the strange slang terms he uses that i actually intergrate them into my daily language. it's a bit weird walking about talking all "Well, i viddied this horrorshow ptista slooshying a malenky bit of music as i clapped my rookers, oh my brothers."
not exactly like that, but sometimes the words work their way into daily use. heh.
unexpectedly.

yeah.

my mom, niece, and i were discussing what exactly happened to Ariana (dumbledore's sister) for her to go so batty. it actually became a fairly heated debate for a bit. since JKR didn't specifically say.. youknow, it leaves a lot to the imagination. anyway, yeah. it was good.

gah, i'm so excited about tonight. it's been forever since i've hung out with this nephew. i love him verry much hehehe.
plus, my niece's boyfriend lives with this nephew and he plays guitar (which didn't really impress me much) untill he breaks it out when i was over there yesterday and just falls into a few bars of "sweet dreams" lol
i broke out in goosebumps. it was a religious moment.
i swear.

hehe
yeah, so.
that's it.
hehe
<3

Current Mood: chipper

Currently Reading Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey By Chuck Palahniuk see related

 

so yeah.

life goes on.

work.

more work.

very sweet guys at work. one of which knows my name. lol

started another book. because i'm bored. and not very social.

"Rant" by Chuck Palahnuik. did i spell that right? i usually just call him chuck. i have no idea how to pronounce that last name.

i'm annoyed.

just generally.

i'm annoyed with the new guy at work.

i'm annoyed with the kids here at home.

i'm annoyed with ch.

*sigh*

is this the Deathly Hallows drag? youknow, the drag that happens after you get off an awesome rollercoaster where your heart kinda settles in your stomach for a few beats and you feel like life is over.... that's the afterexcitement drag.

supprisingly, there's alot about that drag in this book.

actually it spends more time talking about "the pulse", which would be the moment of peak excitement where everything slows and blanks. which is similar to the drag.

is it wrong that i can't stand when either one of the boys touches me? a simple hug or kiss on the forehead has me pulling away in disgust and only relenting just to not hurt their feelings... but the moment they walk away i wipe it off all like "wtf.." ugh.

anyway.

life continues.

<3

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Lilly, my one and only.... Smashing Pumpkins.

will you bite the hand that feeds you?
will you stay down on your knees?

rawr.

bedtime.
=)

Current Mood: lazy

i'm finished.

i had my moments where i was doubtful as to weither or not JKR would be able to do this ever so absolute ending justice, especially whilst reading the ever stretching first 20 chapters of DH. but as always, things picked up after chapter 22 and a rolling steamengine overpowered me.

i spent some time crying.

really crying.

face burried sobbing.

but i feel that everything was handled well, even if i'm still a bit iffy about some points.

 

i <3.

<3

Current Mood: content